health anxiety
For me one of the worst things about living with several chronic illnesses is the health anxiety. I’m writing this as I sit on the toilet with the stomach flu. I work in childcare so it was only a matter of time for me to get some type of virus that affects the digestive system and I can count myself lucky that it’s only after working there for almost one year. But having the stomach flu is literally my worst nightmare as someone who has Crohn’s disease.
Any sort of stress on the digestive system makes me panic because what if this triggers a flare? And the worst part is I’m not being that dramatic when I think that. It’s actually quite realistic for this to cause a flare. Ever since I’ve had my ileal resection 11 years ago I haven’t had a severe flare that affected my colon. The last Crohn’s flare I experienced was 3 years ago when I had severe erythema nodosum all over my legs but steroids and biologics took good care of that. But I’m terrified of when my next flare will be and what it will mean for me and my life
I was so so lucky that surgery took care of the worst of the inflammation in my colon and I’ve been in clinical remission so long. But the time when I was diagnosed and the time before my surgery was literally the worst time of my life. Between the ages of 12 and 14 years old I spent most of my time in hospital and I was so so sick. The inflammation got so bad that surgery was the only option I had left. I was fourteen, I honestly don’t remember much of this, except severe pain, feeding tubes and that I no longer had any control over my own life.
Steroids side effects completely destroyed my mental health and my self image. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to live a normal life. And while I still don’t live a normal life, I’m chronically ill after all and I have BAM as a result of surgery so I‘m not symptom free, it’s better than I ever thought it would be. I never thought I‘d ever be able to work a job, let alone 33 hours a week. And while it’s hard, I’m not gonna lie, it is so hard sometimes, I‘m grateful I get to experience so much more than I ever thought I would.
But that’s not all there is. I’m also terrified someday I’ll get worse again. I’m terrified I’ll have another flare that’s as bad as it was 11 years ago. And while I‘m always told to be optimistic I think, living with a chronic illness also means having to be realistic. There is a chance I could have another flare and since I’ve never been one to experience a “mild“ flare, chances are, that flare will be bad (who am I kidding, having a flare at all would be bad).
Currently being ill with what I’m convinced is norovirus makes me think nothing but worst case scenarios. Because those were actually my reality for a while in my life. I don’t know how to be optimistic, I’ve had therapy where I tried to learn but that doesn’t change my chronic illness and my experience.
And even if this stomach flu turns out to only take me longer to recover from, I’m also so sick of that. I’m sick of my body not functioning. I'm sick of worrying so much every single time I'm ill. And no one understanding. I’ve gotten really good and loud at advocating for myself. I tell people all the time that I’m not healthy and what that looks like for me. But unless you’ve lived it yourself it’s hard to really understand. People also don’t like actually seeing other people suffer so it’s easier for them to just say “I get it” and then ignore you.
This might sound so random but another thing for me is, I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am today when it comes to any sort of physical activity. And I’m terrified that after this virus, even it just takes me longer, say 2 weeks to recover from, all the progress I’ve made when it comes to running will be gone. I never thought I’d get to the point I’m currently at when it comes to running. To others it might not seem like much but I’m so so close to running my first 5k and honestly that’s something I never ever thought I’d be capable of. And now I’m sacred my body is proving my worst thoughts right, and it turns out I’m not capable of it.
I don’t know if this ramble still has a point or if I’m now just at a point where I needed to get my desperate thoughts out. If you’ve ever wondered what it looks like inside of the mind of a 25 year old with Crohn’s disease who's sick and scared of a new flare then here you go.